It's been such a long time since I've even looked at this blog. I admit I was even trying to avoid and ignore it, because for some odd reason this all didn't feel like me anymore. For years I've been struggling to write this for me and at the same time, for others. Because you know, that's after all what people really care about. How free, individual or even different we might feel. We are so fucking the same, all trying to find a ridiculous type of meaning in life. And why? For who? For what?

I have been denying the fact that I'm just like ever tramp on the street, lonely and only depending on themselves. Althought it might look for all the people around me that I've got my shit together. I got the life people dream of, living in Amsterdam, studying in one of the best art schools. But still, I'm just wondering and looking for better. Constantly running. Running away because there will always be something that you feel is making you unhappy.
But after all, it's just yourself. I am making myself unhappy, just me. And why?
I haven't found the answer, I guess like anyone else.

But the worst is, just as I've been trying to ignore this blog because to me it was part of my past, so no longer part of me. Just like that, I've been ignoring the things that made me this awkwardly empty shell, trying to pretend, even for my closest friends. Pretending to be strong and at the same time admitting to be so-called 'vulnerable'. Because admitting to others I am vulnerable and not as strong as I might look, I feel better. It feels good, just because I then think I am honest and saying I'm a human being just like you.

But maybe this will never help me getting over the things I have always been ignoring and denying to myself. I am still that young freak in school that cried himself to sleep for so many nights, I am still the teenager that was genuinly depressed and didn't want to live anymore, I am still the guy that fell for the biggest asshole in my life who dragged me through his pain just so he would feel better afterwards, I am still the guy that doesn't know who he is. I am still me, the old me. The only thing is, since I've been running away for so many years, I just honestly don't know how to do it otherwise. And that's exactly what my ex boyfriend told me: you will find yourself once you drop that wall in front of you...

But how? How the fuck are you supposed to do this? People don't teach you that.

Hello, my name is PAUL SMITH

Today I visited the wonderful exhibition 'Hello, my name is Paul Smith' at the Modemuseum Hasselt (Belgium). I got myself a personal authograph, book and picture!!

Paul + me

Personal autograph



SEMESTER 1 - 3 products, 3 deadlines

Just a quick overview of the 3 products of my first 'orientation' semester at AMFI - Amsterdam Fashion Institute. These assignment were made by mixed classes of Management, Branding and Design students.
Can't wait for the actual Branding semester to begin!

Inspiration Book - The SYSTEM (unravelled)

Style Book - Native America



Sien van Look - Magnet experiment

Lois Grooff - Yoghurt & Sprinkles (AMFI Fashion & Visual Culture Minor)

Etienne Cootjans - BEING (AMFI Hypercraft Minor)

Lindsay Jenner - Lifestyle & Design (Willem de Kooning Academy)

Blending in - Albert Cuypmarket Amsterdam

VINTAGE shirt - RIVER ISLAND jeans - VANS shoes - TOPMAN watch


TOPMAN sweater

Self-portrait - ABSORPTION

As you may know or may not know, is that this year I started my study International Fashion and Branding. And this assignment is part of my Inspiration Book at the AMFI (Amsterdam Fashion Institute).

Self-portrait without me
Absorbing my surroundings wherever I am, is what I intend to do.
It's trying to look closer to every detail and capturing the entire moment, without losing the essence.


I am no man, I am no woman
I am not straight, I am not gay
I am no god, I am no person
I am not good, I am not bad
I am no student, I am no teacher
I am not lost, I am not found
I am no tag, I am no label

I am ME, that's all!


I'm so sorry I couldn't update you guys a bit quicker! But because of bad internet connection and a busy schedule, this is the first moment I could find some time.
This will just be a quick picture update, to give you the highlights of my trip.

5/14 - Fifth Avenue

6/14 - Metropolitan + Guggenheim Museum

7/14 - WTC Memorial

8/14 - HIGH LINE

9/14 - Last day in New York City